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fatastickatrina's journal
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2001.08.10 23.35 checking in Betcha thought you weren't going to hear from me here again and that I was passed out somewhere with a Dr Pepper and Krispy Kreme by my side. I won't say that I am flushed with success and wearing a size 10 jeans. In fact, I am still stuck at 220, where I was when I started this journey back in the spring. What I did harvest (and I'm still harvesting) this year is a huge amount of insight into myself and some harsh truths about me in general. The one that I'm mostly working on now is the myth of control. I thought I was a pretty together person who was just living a very chaotic life, mostly in the hands of a large number of variables. Any time you have kids, you are pretty much at the mercy of flexibility and having to constantly adapt to whatever is going on with them. For years, I was a military wife and had to pack up and move as soon as I felt settled somewhere for long enough to call home. I'd get secure as a wife and family and then Paul would get a wild hair and decide he didn't want to be married and leave us (again), then come back as soon as we grieved and got through the healing process, so there would be another adjustment period. My budget always seems to be at the mercy of outside forces, checks that don't come, bills that show up out of nowhere and are twice what they should be, school pictures that come twice a year instead of once. All of these things were a given, but I felt as though I was in charge of myself and my environment, an eye in the storm of all these variables and changes. I have always been a very poor housekeeper and have had a succession of husbands (well, just two) complain endlessly about my apathy toward an unclean oven or the dirt in the corners of the floors. I have a lenient hand with my children and don't gently discipline them as often as I should, more often curving my day or wants to fit around theirs. This week, in addition to my control test with the swearing (see the NonSoapy Journal), I have decided to, for the first time in my life, really try and keep the house clean 24/7, Better Homes and Garden's style. Mind you, I don't have the Martha Stewart decorating touch. My scheme of décor looks a little like the Goodwill store blew up after some drenched all the merchandise with super glue. Eric likes lots of things on the wall, so we have very busy walls, lots of books and knickknacks and geegaws. My furniture isn't all that and the carpet in our house probably cost about nine cents a square yard. It's a fairly ugly gray low pile selection that shows every drop of dust to land on it. I have a good carpet cleaner and it gets a steady work out. Monday and Tuesday were spent really cleaning the bathroom, the walls and doors and door jams, the fridge, the counters, the floors, etc. After that, it was just the busy work of keeping the kids things picked up and the dishes done. It wasn't as hard as I'd expected and I was surprised at the feeling of control and success that it gave me. That made me think about how out of control the house had been before and that it only took a little motivation and effort on my part to bring it down to a fully workable level. I was thinking that if I could continue to be successful with the house, that it might become more automatic, freeing up that energy to spread the success to other areas of my life. Maybe then I could be more successful in being consistent with the kids' discipline. In fact, I'm already starting on it. Rules aren't bent as much as before and despite an initial resistance, it seems to be working out OK. I have a feeling that once I am successful in a few different areas, it will be easier for me to feel confident enough to really tackle the weight issue again. Now, it's in stasis. I feel the need to exercise, but not the motivation. I feel the desire to be thin and strong and firm, but still make excuses for not doing what I need to do to make that happen. Clearly, there are still some issues there, but I'm going to be patient with myself as long as the lessons keep coming in as they have been. Even though my success isn't showing on the outside, I'm feeling it on the inside as the way is paved for me to reach my ideal weight. All of the resources say that you do it inside first, then outside, so I wanted all of you to know that I have not faltered on my internal preparation, even though my physical work hasn't been all that it should be. Thanks for all your support and love. |
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2001.07.18 14.10 Hello! I know you thought I fell off the face of the Earth fat wise, but it's been more of a matter of needing computer time and not having it. The struggle is still a struggle. The best news is that there's no damage done, so I suppose that's going to have to do for now. Whatever it takes within a person to fight the good fight just isn't there for me right now. I'm still going through the motions of exercising and taking a cursory swipe at eating well, but the buzz for doing it has been gone for a while. I want to lose the weight, but I'm just not wanting it badly enough right now. I know it will come around again and be time for me. I'm reading a wonderful book called Thin For Life about people who have lost and kept off large amounts of weight and all of them said that there was a critical moment where it all just clicked and they "got it." I'm hoping for that to happen. I don't expect it to be easy, but it needs to be time. Meanwhile, Sage cut my hair for me and I bought some new, nice fat clothes at the Thrift Shop. (NexTime on Auburn and Palm, my wonderful Sacramento friends! Sim-ply the best) I was happy to buy a two piece size 20 pantsuit and find that it was (ta-da!) too big, but I'm bane to admit that an 18 is a bit too small. I'm falling into the fat woman cracks (ew). "If not now, when?" keeps ringing in my ears. I had a really humiliating experience at DeNio's, a giant swap meet/flea market in Roseville, just north of here. I was looking at this huge display of control undies, thinking I needed about 3 of those girdly panties that hold in your belly and give you a nice roll over the top of your pants where the overflow hits. I was gauging out the XL's and this evil little Asian woman who ran the booth snorted, "The 2x 3x over there," gestured to the far table that read "3/$11" rather than the "3/$10" over the XL's. I thought she was talking to someone else, so I didn't answer, then she came right up to me and said it again. I told her, "I don't wear 2X or 3X" and she kind of sniffed her way over to the other side of the booth while I finished. I got my three together (forget the little nasty woman, it was a good deal) and took them to her and she charged me $11!! "2X and 3X $11, not $10!!" "THEY ARE XL'S, NOT 2X or 3X!!" I gave her a ten and left. Bitch. The very next booth was where I found my Avon Everafter cologne, my signature scent that smells like wonderful old books and sandalwood and has been discontinued for 5-6 years and is impossible to find. I, however, found 3 new bottles! Whoo hooo! That made up for the rude little woman at the underwear stand. I'm going to go for the bathing suit thing while in LA next week and I'm eager for the Jacuzzi experience. I'm not feeling particularly shy about being in a swimsuit as I have in the past. I'm just looking forward to living it. I hope all of you are doing well on your quest, whatever that might be. Whether it's to shape your body smaller or larger, get more definition or become curvier, to see yourself as beautiful in ever way comes from inside and not from someone else's eyes or mind. Only your own, regardless of your size or shape. Those aren't just words. It's real. |
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2001.07.06 14.37 </i> [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font="arial">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] </i><font size="5"><font="Arial"><b>:(</b><font size="3"> I'm huge(huge-er). I had been feeling it, but was trying to deny it and then Dylan had his birthday on Wednesday and I say myself in the pictures, a woman with a fat face, sitting in a huge puddle of her own belly and ass. I wish I could find the button that makes this work for me. I hit bursts of motivation and then it's gone as fast as it got here. I want it, but evidently, I don't want it enough. I could do the Body Flex, which I know works and I've modified to only take about 10 minutes, but I just don't. I could eat fresh fruit and vegetables, which I love and drink lightly steeped tea, but I don't. I could walk every day, which I cherish, but I don't. I love the feeling of success, but I'm unwilling or unable to do the things that will never fail to bring that about. I have carefully examined my inner works to see what underlying payoff I might be getting from staying fat. I'm not afraid of being attractive. I LIKE being attractive. I don't need to put distance between myself and others because I love the people around me and, if anything, I want to be closer to them. I'm not trying to punish Eric for anything. I do believe that I deserve a lean, strong, healthy body, so it's not a worth issue. I love the way my body feels when I exercise and I really don't mind doing it. On the surface, it feels like it's nearly impossible for me to work the exercising into my schedule. I get to bed late, so if I get up before the kids do at 6am, I'm wiped out for the day. I can't do anything while I'm watching them during the day. Eric is home around 6-7 and I make dinner, we eat dinner, then we get kids settled and into bed, the kitchen and house clean from the day and fall into bed around 9pm. We talk, plan out the next day, etc, then get to sleep between 10-11. I keep trying to find where to put an hour or so of walking in there and it looks impossible, but I know that is part of me making excuses. I have a great treadmill, but I'm so beat by 9pm that it is nearly impossible to lug myself onto it. Excuses, excuses, excuses that all sound like reasons in my head. I've gotten through so much from my past that I know it's not about Paul or my parents or childhood, it's about wanting the instant gratification of eating, when I can feel better, fulfilled immediately instead of waiting. I've always thought it was such trash to talk about drinking a glass of water, walking around the block or calling a friend when you have a craving. Somehow, none of those things can compete with a pecan log. I think about turning 40 this year, think about how big my mom is now, think about the goals I have for myself and how proud Eric would be of me, think about wearing pretty clothes and having more energy, think about showing people my fat pictures and knowing I'll never go back there. Something is holding me back from my progress, whether it's lethargy, stress, apathy, fear or what. I've been looking this in the face and trying to find the angle that will get me to just do it. Meanwhile, I seem to be getting flabbier and bigger. I have to do something, but I'm not sure what it's going to be. Back to baby steps, one step at a time. I know there's not anything anyone can tell me that is going to help right now because it has to come from somewhere inside me. There's not a pep talk or other motivational speech that anyone can give that I haven't given to myself a hundred times. The psychobabble in my head has been working to find any trick phrase that will throw on the light switch and lead me out of the darkness. I know all of my mud puddle analogies (please note that the first part of "analogy" is "anal") and analysis is paralysis and there's no way through but through and all that. I still believe all that and see the value in it, but I can't seem to get my actions in line with my beliefs. I'm still working on it and I haven't given up. This is just a weird fugue that I have to get through. |
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2001.06.20 11.05 Big Decision Made After a lot of thinking about it, pros and cons, and I have decided that I'm not going to weigh or measure myself for a long, long time, like maybe a couple of months. I'm finding that my mood and my day seem to be influenced by what the scales or tape measure says when that can change week to week to the better or worse for any number of reasons. My plan is to really, really crack down on the eating so that I'm not, well, treating myself quite as much as I have been. I also need to eat more fruits and veggies than I have been and definitely need to drink more water. I have to get back into the exercising after a week of almost none and I'm hoping that being back on track will produce some success. I'm going to measure progress by my clothes and how they fit, my fitness level for exercise and how I feel overall. I have to admit that I am nervous about taking away this degree of accountability, but I am confident that when I do weigh and measure in a couple of months that I will see a dramatic difference. It feels like I've tried so many things and I'm still really close to where I was before. I'm grateful for all of the insight and knowledge I've gotten on this trip, but there is still some key that I have to get before it all really kicks in. I think I just have to work on greater acceptance that this isn't going to be as easy as I'd like for it to be and I'm going to have to still make some changes. Ever forging! I'll get this right yet! Mood:  hopeful
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2001.06.19 11.17 Hi! I'm still around and doing OK. I know I've gained a bit. I can feel it on me, but don't want to be depressed by getting on the scale. Instead, I'm just correcting the problems, like eating too much, exercising too little and not drinking enough water. I've got to start taking this more seriously and working harder at it. I keep trying to convince myself that I can do this with a minimum of effort (to make it more appealing to me), but I have to understand that this isn't going to be easy. Just a little mental readjustment. :) I'm so proud of all of you for doing so well! I'll get it too. I'm just taking the long way around. Hang in there, everyone! Mood: determined |
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2001.06.12 18.53 Standstill, but that's OK No progress this week or last so far, but no antiprogress either. I haven't been as careful as I should about any of the main three: water, exercise or eating, so there's no big mystery as to why. I have to demand better of myself. Today was Dr Phil's big wrap up of the women he gave the Fat plan to four months ago. They were making wonderful progress and a number of the wonderful folks who joined me on the Fatastic Journey back in March are also doing just great. Many have already met their goals! You should go to the Fatastic Message Board and take a look at Abbie's pics! She's doing GREAT! Hoiles' Fan has hit her milestone as well and Karen is almost ready for that wedding! Marney is a workout QUEEN now and is busting her butt like nobody's business. Laura keeps dropping inches like mad. My dear friend is almost below the 300 pound mark!! I'm so proud of her that it's difficult to not brag about her directly, but I want to respect her anonymity. Forty pounds gone from her body! Holy cow! Pick up four ten pound bag of sugar and lug them around the grocery store for a while! I'm so happy for everyone and you've all inspired me more than I can ever say. I'm still in there; just got some growing up to do in the accountability department. Every time I watch or listen to Dr Phil, I come away with a new insight and the one for today is that I've been so busy focusing on the big 70-80 pound weight loss that I am making it too hard. Like he says, it has to be about new life changes, not specifically losing weight. I am going to be looking toward very, very small, incremental weight loss and bring in my focus very tightly onto the weeks rather than the months that this will take. I want to start looking at losing one pound this week, two pounds next week, etc instead of the big picture. Soon one pound will be a total of 7, then a total of 35, then a total of 60 and so on. I've got to work each link of the chain instead of the whole thing and stop making this feel like some insurmountable thing I can't do. I also have to increase my accountability and own the choices I make about what I eat. I need to say no more than I do now and find other ways to gratify myself. Those are my lessons for this week and I feel good about them. In fact, I will turn that around to something positive and say that instead of saying "NO" I will say "YES" to another pound or inch loss. I *will* do this!! Mood: optimistic
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2001.06.06 14.45 Hi Everyone All of my journals are getting a bit of an overhaul and will be looking a bit different. I have found that I don't have enough time to give to the kids, the house, do the necessary admin on the site and write my columns. Since I really love to write, I am prioritizing that and changing to the Live Journal format for many of the columns on Eye On Soaps. This format lets my writers post their own material and drastically reduces the amount of time that I spend doing the busy work on the site and gives me more time to write without keeping me up until midnight or ignoring the kids. One thing that is cool about this format is that if you look to the right of the end of this column, you will see a link that says, "comment on this." When you click on that, you can comment on my entry or even post an entry of your own. It accepts all html tags as well. This is like a message board and column in one. This has been a hard week for water. I just can't seem to get it down, so I feel uncomfortable. I've been trying, but not having much luck. I've been keeping up with the exercise. Tonight is aerobic gardening. I had a major coup on Saturday. It's my fast food day when I get to drive through and get a McDonalds Big & Tasty. Mmmmmm. Plain, of course. I gave up fries a long while back, so it's just a Big & Tasty and a Diet Coke. I had to go pick up Josh in Rocklin (remember my illfated trip taking him up there when the bus decided to die on me?) and when we came back he was hungry, so I decided to do my fast food run then. When I got there, I ordered his food and realized that I was OK. Not really hungry and felt like I could pass and not feel deprived. I ordered a cold Dasani water (they must put herion or something in that water because it's really nummy) and that was it. He ate his food and I was fine. No food envy or anything. It was great. I've been tired this week and that's probably affecting my mood some, though my joy is still intact. The kids have been really great today after a wicked Monday and Tuesday, so I'm enjoying the quiet. Not much to report. You'll hear from me again on Friday for weights and measures. I'm not expecting much change and I'm good with that. ;) Be cool, everyone! |
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sleepy
